The only set that hooked tonight was a two-set. I started off by exhibiting some high-value behavior, and ended by engaging in some low-value behavior.
I opened with “you guys seem interestingish”. Held frame when they were like “what?! of course, we’re amazing” etc. So the set started with a bit of qualification from them and my holding my frame and maintaining a certain degree of skepticism. They asked me about my shirt, bantered a bit about it. One of them had to go to the bathroom, I talked past it, made some quips. I spoke mostly to the friend, not the target. Looped the target in and dropped some lines like “you need more hobbies” on her.
The first mistake I made was not looping one of my wings in when he was hovering nearby. Sure, he should have just come in, but he was behind us at some point, and I thought of going “this is my friend x” while moving closer to my target so he moved next to the friend. He went away after a while.
Anyways, things go on, and neither of my wings jump in. Then they really do have to go the bathroom, and I tell them to go, I’d see them later. But they doddle, and ask more about my shirt and touch it and whatnot. As they are leaving, I do a sloppy number close on the target. I was just executing on my goal, that’s fine. I knew it wasn’t solid. Unfortunate.
Then shortly thereafter, I bring my remaining friend/wing up to talk to them. Re-engagement was a mistake. I thought it might be worth trying because they seemed fairly interested when they left. But two mistakes here:
- I brought my wing up with a joke about how I pay him to be my friend and stuff, but let it go on for a bit too long when they didn’t even think it’s that funny. But why do that? I mean, it’s ok as an intro line for lulz, but trotting this thing out was also…it was try-hard, and kind of like “oh let’s have a pretense for this”. But really, if I’m a cool dude and I had a cool conversation with those girls, why then feel the need to employ some gimmick in order to restart the convo? I’ll expand on this below.
- We were both more situated towards the friend, and I should have went “across” to engage the target. I saw her getting bored, but didn’t make this move. I mean, she probably didn’t even want to talk to me anyways–they were both less happy to talk to me the second time around. But I had the thought and should have done it. That’s the second time that happened with this set! And that’s exactly what felled me at the W the other night!
Anyways, with respect to the primary problem, the inner game issue that brought what was initially a decent set down:
If we were really high-value, I would have just been like “hey this is my friend Ken” and said some substantive things about him. A lot of what I do is implicitly coming from the frame of “I am not good enough–I need to try to get on their level”. It’s the way my social life has conditioned me, I suppose. I have the rare moment when I break free from that habitual thought pattern, and I have been realizing my own value lately, but…well, old habits die hard, I guess. But this is a huge problem. This like miasma of unworthiness permeates all my interactions. I feel so pathetic and stupid for acting out of this frame. It’s not like I don’t know what it’s like to feel worthy; there have been girls I have met cold approaching that I have felt entitled to. I friend-zoned one, I made friends with a couple others, I’ve number closed several, I’ve had sex with one. I’ve noticed that my behavior is different with them. It’s quite nonchalant. I can’t fake that feeling, though, if I am talking to girls I don’t feel entitled to. And it certainly doesn’t take much for me to feel a girl is out of my league. To put it crudely, a 7 or above often feels as equally out my reach as a hotter girl.
I will continue focusing on outer game. My belief is that in the beginning it’s just going to feel fake, but I have to learn the steps and execute them with as much conviction as I can. It’s just obviously frustrating to have so many cringey experiences with women.
I think I have been getting even more frustrated lately because I have started to more clearly see my own value and have a vision of a stronger version of myself in which I believe. The disparity between my growing self-conception and the reality of my social skills hurts. Of course, the growing self-conception is basically my ego, and I have been warned from many a pickup source that the frailty of the ego is something that prevents guys from making progress. I have heard and I understand that the guys who are able to get good are the ones who are most consistently able to check their ego; who can laugh at their mistakes, shrug, and say “I am just learning”. Who can learn the lesson and throw away the rest. There was a period in my pickup journey when I was more like that. Now I’m at this weird stage of the process where I feel like I should be getting more results because of both my altered perception of who I am/should be/want to be, as well as simply the amount of time and effort I have put in. I want to be different and I want to be markedly better at game, and I want those things NOW, and I fault myself viciously for not having them.
I suppose the only thing I can do right now if I want to get to the next strongest version of myself is respond to this problem the way I think that version of myself would respond. I think the next strongest version of myself would understand this is part of the process/journey, and have the faith, perspective, and patience to not only ride it out, but to increase the time and effort expended even as the return on these expenditures seems to be diminishing. I think the next strongest version of myself would understand that success is engendered by taking right action the vast majority of the time, and that trying to do everything optimally 100% of the time is kind of a form of hubris and a fool’s errand. I think the next strongest version of myself would feel it beneath his character to do anything other than take as much right action as possible and improve just 1% or less everyday without complaining or getting too emotional about it. I think the next strongest version of myself would think that now might be a good time to take Seneca and Marcus Aurelius off his bookshelf and refamiliarize himself with them. I think the next strongest version of myself would be wise enough to find perfectly rational the “paradox” of having to submit to the reality of the current, shitty version of oneself in order to reach the next highest level.