FR 8 March 2018

Rolled solo to the main venue around here (at least on this side of town). My goals were two-fold: Tonality, eye contact, volume, proximity; use of my verbal stack and bearing FRED in mind. I am not sure I needed to set goals this basic. My idea was to get used to being back on the bike, so to speak, after my trip. I went out Sunday and did fine hooking, and my little verbal stack is practically all I know how to say at this point. I foresaw that I would go out, hook a bunch of sets, get some attraction, and then be unable to capitalize on it, at which point I’d kind of kick myself and have to like refactor my goals. That’s basically what happened.

Not going to narrarite the night here from top-to-bottom; suffice to say, more happened than just the sets I’ll mention and there is a lot for which to give credit to myself, so I will start with that. One thing is that I’m generally just less socially anxious–and I mean, hey, I rolled solo and persisted in sobriety tonight, so that’s good. Another good thing is that I trusted my process and I trusted the work I have put in up until this point and the changes they have wrought. I didn’t get all antsy about not approaching within the first 3 minutes; I know nowadays I will eventually. Put me anywhere for long enough and I’ll approach. For another thing, I’ve generally been moving toward a stronger version of myself throughout life, not just game, and it shows. I assume people’s attention more. My tonality is good and I talk slower and more smoothly. There are surface level things like that, but more importantly my perspective is different. The way I think about this endeavor is longer-term and more strategically. I am less invested in the interactions. I need that to translate into riskier behavior though.

Anyways, one highly predictable thing I messed up bothered me and continues to bother me and will probably bother me for a little bit tomorrow as well too, despite my aforementioned better perspective on things. And that is that I had attraction; thought of a good move; and failed to take that good move. What happened was: 3 set, I opened 2 of them while the third went to get a drink. The 2 I opened were unattractive. One was this like unreal parodically tanned Miami girl. At one point I thought of asking “So, did you used to be white?”

Anyways, it was the friend buying the drink that hooked better. She was actually the only doable one as well. I chatted with her a bit in the beginning, but then didn’t want to be giving too much attention to the “hot” friend (she wasn’t really “hot” per se, but cute enough). So I did a lame emotional spike line: “yeah, you seem like you’re from [where she was from]” before turning attention to the other 2. The least attractive friend made the move to take them into the other bar, and the cute one lingered behind for a bit to talk to me. Asked my name, if I came there often, where I lived (2 sidenotes here. First, so many sets I get to hook make “where do you live” one of their first questions, usually the first one itself. I do not know why–it’s probably not worth thinking about, but it’s weird how consistent that is. Second, when girls hook they ask the boringest Qs sometimes and get away with it. Maybe I should start teasing them about it if I know they’re attracted). At this point, I knew the friends had gone and that her momentum was to go with them. I thought of leading her in their direction and walking with. That would have been the move. But instead I conversed a bit, and I guess sort of hoped for her to stay. Very analogous to the set that pissed me off a couple FRs ago. She departed by saying she’d probably be by the ping-pong tables and I made a joke about her hustling people and said I’d find her there. Didn’t find her later. Didn’t really expect to.

There was a slight opening for the number during our parting convo, but I didn’t go for it because I didn’t think it’d be solid. The primary basis for my coming to this conclusion was the number I got Sunday, which was off a fleeting interaction and in which the # close was the last thing that happened. So I engaged in some strategizing at least. But again, I knew the best course of action but was kind of physically incapable of taking it. I went with my autopilot instead. This is partly just “mechanical” in that if one is habituated to a certain pattern, it’s tough to break. But of course there are deeper reasons at play. Not knowing what to do next, not really believing anything could happen and therefore not fundamentally seeing a reason to go for it and try. The deep-seated core belief of just not being on the level of the girls (and everyone else) I talk to. My logical, rational, daily-life mind is starting to believe the opposite now (I had the realization yesterday that for the first time in a long while my self-image is positive again, and I was like “wow this is kind of weird”). But it’s going to be hard to override the deeply rooted subconscious shit when it comes to my interactions with women. It’s good that I am starting to develop that stronger inner-game, but fundamentally the only way to break through is to take action before one feels they are ready. Can’t wait until you truly feel ready. You can’t truly feel ready without having done it.

One thing I at least could have done here was moved closer once we were isolated and engaged in a man-to-woman handshake. In general, I haven’t been man-to-woman enough lately. I was on a streak of being decent at that, but I’ve lost it since I have started cutting and stopped practicing it. So I am going to have to start pushing myself to practice that. I want some sets to reject me for showing intent; I’ve been getting too many “nice to meet you”s and focusing on hooking seems to be keeping me in my comfort zone more than I intended or anticipated. I think it’s safe to say that I can hook sets at a satisfactory rate now, and it’s time to move on to the next steps: emotional spikes and man-to-woman behavior/moves, starting with the latter.

I also need to work on being less verbose when writing these FRs, because writing this shit takes forever and I need to get my beauty sleep.


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