FR 8 March 2018

Rolled solo to the main venue around here (at least on this side of town). My goals were two-fold: Tonality, eye contact, volume, proximity; use of my verbal stack and bearing FRED in mind. I am not sure I needed to set goals this basic. My idea was to get used to being back on the bike, so to speak, after my trip. I went out Sunday and did fine hooking, and my little verbal stack is practically all I know how to say at this point. I foresaw that I would go out, hook a bunch of sets, get some attraction, and then be unable to capitalize on it, at which point I’d kind of kick myself and have to like refactor my goals. That’s basically what happened.

Not going to narrarite the night here from top-to-bottom; suffice to say, more happened than just the sets I’ll mention and there is a lot for which to give credit to myself, so I will start with that. One thing is that I’m generally just less socially anxious–and I mean, hey, I rolled solo and persisted in sobriety tonight, so that’s good. Another good thing is that I trusted my process and I trusted the work I have put in up until this point and the changes they have wrought. I didn’t get all antsy about not approaching within the first 3 minutes; I know nowadays I will eventually. Put me anywhere for long enough and I’ll approach. For another thing, I’ve generally been moving toward a stronger version of myself throughout life, not just game, and it shows. I assume people’s attention more. My tonality is good and I talk slower and more smoothly. There are surface level things like that, but more importantly my perspective is different. The way I think about this endeavor is longer-term and more strategically. I am less invested in the interactions. I need that to translate into riskier behavior though.

Anyways, one highly predictable thing I messed up bothered me and continues to bother me and will probably bother me for a little bit tomorrow as well too, despite my aforementioned better perspective on things. And that is that I had attraction; thought of a good move; and failed to take that good move. What happened was: 3 set, I opened 2 of them while the third went to get a drink. The 2 I opened were unattractive. One was this like unreal parodically tanned Miami girl. At one point I thought of asking “So, did you used to be white?”

Anyways, it was the friend buying the drink that hooked better. She was actually the only doable one as well. I chatted with her a bit in the beginning, but then didn’t want to be giving too much attention to the “hot” friend (she wasn’t really “hot” per se, but cute enough). So I did a lame emotional spike line: “yeah, you seem like you’re from [where she was from]” before turning attention to the other 2. The least attractive friend made the move to take them into the other bar, and the cute one lingered behind for a bit to talk to me. Asked my name, if I came there often, where I lived (2 sidenotes here. First, so many sets I get to hook make “where do you live” one of their first questions, usually the first one itself. I do not know why–it’s probably not worth thinking about, but it’s weird how consistent that is. Second, when girls hook they ask the boringest Qs sometimes and get away with it. Maybe I should start teasing them about it if I know they’re attracted). At this point, I knew the friends had gone and that her momentum was to go with them. I thought of leading her in their direction and walking with. That would have been the move. But instead I conversed a bit, and I guess sort of hoped for her to stay. Very analogous to the set that pissed me off a couple FRs ago. She departed by saying she’d probably be by the ping-pong tables and I made a joke about her hustling people and said I’d find her there. Didn’t find her later. Didn’t really expect to.

There was a slight opening for the number during our parting convo, but I didn’t go for it because I didn’t think it’d be solid. The primary basis for my coming to this conclusion was the number I got Sunday, which was off a fleeting interaction and in which the # close was the last thing that happened. So I engaged in some strategizing at least. But again, I knew the best course of action but was kind of physically incapable of taking it. I went with my autopilot instead. This is partly just “mechanical” in that if one is habituated to a certain pattern, it’s tough to break. But of course there are deeper reasons at play. Not knowing what to do next, not really believing anything could happen and therefore not fundamentally seeing a reason to go for it and try. The deep-seated core belief of just not being on the level of the girls (and everyone else) I talk to. My logical, rational, daily-life mind is starting to believe the opposite now (I had the realization yesterday that for the first time in a long while my self-image is positive again, and I was like “wow this is kind of weird”). But it’s going to be hard to override the deeply rooted subconscious shit when it comes to my interactions with women. It’s good that I am starting to develop that stronger inner-game, but fundamentally the only way to break through is to take action before one feels they are ready. Can’t wait until you truly feel ready. You can’t truly feel ready without having done it.

One thing I at least could have done here was moved closer once we were isolated and engaged in a man-to-woman handshake. In general, I haven’t been man-to-woman enough lately. I was on a streak of being decent at that, but I’ve lost it since I have started cutting and stopped practicing it. So I am going to have to start pushing myself to practice that. I want some sets to reject me for showing intent; I’ve been getting too many “nice to meet you”s and focusing on hooking seems to be keeping me in my comfort zone more than I intended or anticipated. I think it’s safe to say that I can hook sets at a satisfactory rate now, and it’s time to move on to the next steps: emotional spikes and man-to-woman behavior/moves, starting with the latter.

I also need to work on being less verbose when writing these FRs, because writing this shit takes forever and I need to get my beauty sleep.

Sunday Funday #1

Met up with a couple guys to daygame, but it was 16:30 by the time I rolled up and we decided to just hit a bar in the area that is popular all the time, including weekend days. Great day spot. It’s full of hot women day drinking.

First set was a 3 set. Made small-talk, then correctly cold-read they were in college. I  then asked them if they knew what they were going to do after or if they were just winging it. Then I asked the one I thought was cutest what her major was, and when she said “Environmental Science” I was like “oh, I was gonna say it’s probably something useless” which they interpreted as me calling Environmental Science useless. Which isn’t exactly what I meant–what I was really trying to say was that “I was going to guess something useless, but that’s not totally useless” (lol). Anyways, they were like “omg so rude” –though the one who wasn’t hooked more than the others. My target mostly just laughed. I didn’t correct their understanding because I didn’t want to like, you know, pull back offense after it was given. After all, one way to get emotional spikes and attraction early on is to simply offer a negative opinion on some not-so-personal fact about them (I think that’s better applied to things they didn’t choose though–complement them on their choices, give them shit about the stuff they didn’t choose, one might conjecture). So I kind of stumbled into doing that here, stood my ground and smiled, and the set ended.

Next was also a 3 set of college seniors (a lot of college girls here today). I here too correctly cold-read and took the same conversational tack as I did with the previous set, except I made sure to tone it down a little with the “useless” talk on the majors. Reached hook-point 1, but not 2. None of them were hot anyways. One of them could have been, but she was a bit too furry (a problem for girls of South Asian descent).

The next set I remember was a 3 set of black girls. I opened with “how are you and who are you”, and one of them said “fine…and people”. I correctly guessed they were visiting (was on a roll with the cold-reads today). Looked at them a bit. The one who talked said “Ohio, Ohio, Colorado”. Looked at them some more. “OSU, OSU, University of Denver”. I said “thanks for reading my mind”, which got some laughs. At this point a series of interruptions occurred. First was some super drunk ass motherfucker. Next was some guy who came in and asked if they were Habasha (Ethiopian), which they were.

Anyways, opened a two set from a distance by commenting on the gaze one of them had. Opened decently well. Also college seniors. Turns out they are here for birthday party. Several friends come over. I start talking a bit with two, one of whom engages me more than any girl in the set. She asks me some questions, I give answers and say stuff like “I don’t even have the energy to pretend otherwise”–which sounds dumb out of context, but the vibe I was giving off was one of low investment in the interaction. I start talking to her exclusively, but the group starts walking off. I had mentioned looking for friends in an FTC sort of way, and she says “are you coming with us?” which I take to be enough of an IOI that I tag along, saying “sure, I can look for my friends in there”. We talk. Get interrupted by the need to take a picture of them. Talk a bit more, and they are going to move once again. She says to come with, I say “no, I’m going go find my friends, but give me your number”, and she is very compliant about it. Her attraction was palpable. Texted my name there, and texted a little while ago with a standard follow-up, but no response. Not super surprising if it flakes–it was good attraction, but little comfort/investment. Wasn’t time. I don’t know if I would have done anything significantly differently. I certainly wouldn’t have followed further; it was a very large group, like 9+ with lots of sub-groups and moving parts (which I remarked to her lol). Too much to deal with. What I did well was that I was willing to switch targets. I didn’t get locked into some BS idea of “I was talking to these two and the friends are just obstacles”.

Some other set that didn’t really hook.

Two set by a fire thing that hooked decently. They were friendly and into their day drinking. This was a set that I built a lot of rapport with mainly. They laughed at some stuff I said, but no real attraction. My two wings came in briefly, succeeded quickly by this other guy I brought in whom I knew from the venue previously and who I had run into earlier. Ended up being mostly just him and me talking to them. I think they both had attraction for him, but more his target than the one I spoke to. They went to the bathroom, we chatted a bit and scattered. Did some solid kino in that set.

Last set was a two-set. I went with an opener in which I called one a bad-ass based on her dress. Not sure if that counts as going direct, but to the extent it was, it wasn’t good, since one shouldn’t go direct on one member of a two-set. That girl hooked well though. Juggled convo between both. She was in reaction. She said “sorry that was awkward” after saying something (which wasn’t even really awkward), for example. When my two wings came in, I had to reposition myself next to her, and when they asked me the whereabouts of two girls they had spoken to earlier, the friend yanked my target away. Wings apologized, I said whatever. As long as things aren’t my fault, I’m stoic about them.

 

 

 

 

 

FR 23-Feb-2018

The only set that hooked tonight was a two-set. I started off by exhibiting some high-value behavior, and ended by engaging in some low-value behavior.

I opened with “you guys seem interestingish”. Held frame when they were like “what?! of course, we’re amazing” etc. So the set started with a bit of qualification from them and my holding my frame and maintaining a certain degree of skepticism. They asked me about my shirt, bantered a bit about it. One of them had to go to the bathroom, I talked past it, made some quips. I spoke mostly to the friend, not the target. Looped the target in and dropped some lines like “you need more hobbies” on her.

The first mistake I made was not looping one of my wings in when he was hovering nearby. Sure, he should have just come in, but he was behind us at some point, and I thought of going “this is my friend x” while moving closer to my target so he moved next to the friend. He went away after a while.

Anyways, things go on, and neither of my wings jump in. Then they really do have to go the bathroom, and I tell them to go, I’d see them later. But they doddle, and ask more about my shirt and touch it and whatnot. As they are leaving, I do a sloppy number close on the target. I was just executing on my goal, that’s fine. I knew it wasn’t solid. Unfortunate.

Then shortly thereafter, I bring my remaining friend/wing up to talk to them. Re-engagement was a mistake. I thought it might be worth trying because they seemed fairly interested when they left. But two mistakes here:

  1. I brought my wing up with a joke about how I pay him to be my friend and stuff, but let it go on for a bit too long when they didn’t even think it’s that funny. But why do that? I mean, it’s ok as an intro line for lulz, but trotting this thing out was also…it was try-hard, and kind of like “oh let’s have a pretense for this”. But really, if I’m a cool dude and I had a cool conversation with those girls, why then feel the need to employ some gimmick in order to restart the convo? I’ll expand on this below.
  2. We were both more situated towards the friend, and I should have went “across” to engage the target. I saw her getting bored, but didn’t make this move. I mean, she probably didn’t even want to talk to me anyways–they were both less happy to talk to me the second time around. But I had the thought and should have done it. That’s the second time that happened with this set! And that’s exactly what felled me at the W the other night! Sad!

Anyways, with respect to the primary problem, the inner game issue that brought what was initially a decent set down:

If we were really high-value, I would have just been like “hey this is my friend Ken” and said some substantive things about him. A lot of what I do is implicitly coming from the frame of “I am not good enough–I need to try to get on their level”. It’s the way my social life has conditioned me, I suppose. I have the rare moment when I break free from that habitual thought pattern, and I have been realizing my own value lately, but…well, old habits die hard, I guess. But this is a huge problem. This like miasma of unworthiness permeates all my interactions. I feel so pathetic and stupid for acting out of this frame. It’s not like I don’t know what it’s like to feel worthy; there have been girls I have met cold approaching that I have felt entitled to.  I friend-zoned one, I made friends with a couple others, I’ve number closed several, I’ve had sex with one. I’ve noticed that my behavior is different with them. It’s quite nonchalant. I can’t fake that feeling, though, if I am talking to girls I don’t feel entitled to. And it certainly doesn’t take much for me to feel a girl is out of my league. To put it crudely, a 7 or above often feels as equally out my reach as a hotter girl.

I will continue focusing on outer game. My belief is that in the beginning it’s just going to feel fake, but I have to learn the steps and execute them with as much conviction as I can. It’s just obviously frustrating to have so many cringey experiences with women.

I think I have been getting even more frustrated lately because I have started to more clearly see my own value and have a vision of a stronger version of myself in which I believe. The disparity between my growing self-conception and the reality of my social skills hurts. Of course, the growing self-conception is basically my ego, and I have been warned from many a pickup source that the frailty of the ego is something that prevents guys from making progress.  I have heard and I understand that the guys who are able to get good are the ones who are most consistently able to check their ego; who can laugh at their mistakes, shrug, and say “I am just learning”. Who can learn the lesson and throw away the rest. There was a period in my pickup journey when I was more like that. Now I’m at this weird stage of the process where I feel like I should be getting more results because of both my altered perception of who I am/should be/want to be, as well as simply the amount of time and effort I have put in. I want to be different and I want to be markedly better at game, and I want those things NOW, and I fault myself viciously for not having them.

I suppose the only thing I can do right now if I want to get to the next strongest version of myself is respond to this problem the way I think that version of myself would respond. I think the next strongest version of myself would understand this is part of the process/journey, and have the faith, perspective, and patience to not only ride it out, but to increase the time and effort expended even as the return on these expenditures seems to be diminishing. I think the next strongest version of myself would understand that success is engendered by taking right action the vast majority of the time, and that trying to do everything optimally 100% of the time is kind of a form of hubris and a fool’s errand. I think the next strongest version of myself would feel it beneath his character to do anything other than take as much right action as possible and improve just 1% or less everyday without complaining or getting too emotional about it. I think the next strongest version of myself would think that now might be a good time to take Seneca and Marcus Aurelius off his bookshelf and refamiliarize himself with them. I think the next strongest version of myself would be wise enough to find perfectly rational the “paradox” of having to submit to the reality of the current, shitty version of oneself in order to reach the next highest level.

 

 

 

Mini FR, A Baby Step

I have been trying to do two things lately: day game, and integrating game into my daily life so that it’s an intrinsic part of who I am. I made meager progress on both these fronts with an approach at Sweetgreen today.

Approaching in a contained day venue was kind of scary, but there was this cute girl sitting across from me and I just kept thinking I had to do it. Plus, it seemed she kind of glanced over at me a couple times. I sat there for a bit after I finished, thinking “was I really going to do this”?

Luckily, I did. I just went with “what did you get” and she was pretty receptive and told me. Unfortunately, it was just a 4 sentence interaction about that.

So I am pissed that I didn’t push it further, but at the same time happy that I did an approach that was scary for me. I am fine approaching at night, but I really had the fear in the back of my mind in this venue, an eatery during the day, that “everyone would be watching”. Luckily, my desire to practice game won, and I was able to do an approach of a type I hadn’t before.

My approach was good too; it was innocuous, and it gave her a chance to indicate receptiveness. Because she seemed receptive enough, I should have followed up with something alone the lines of “look, I need to go in a couple minutes, but I’d like to at least find out if you’re as interesting as you are cute” or something.

I just foolishly ejected prematurely. I also thought I saw a ring, and fleetingly thought maybe she was married, although she seemed quite young. I don’t know if that was a major reason why I ejected, but it’s the kind of thing I would like my brain to stop looking for. I should only be looking for IOIs, not reasons to eject.

This has been a big sticking point for me, actually; I don’t have a real game plan when the girl is receptive/interested because I’m mentally stuck in the reality where I assume she’s not going to be, even though I keep going out and getting some degree of interest/reciprocation.

I’ve stopped watching much material lately; I should probably stop altogether for a bit and let my skills catch up to my knowledge. It’s not like I don’t know what to do most of the time, it’s that I have strongly ingrained habits to not do those things, to be passive with girls, to assume they don’t like me even though all this going out is giving me plenty of hard evidence that a lot of girls do like and react positively to me. My knowledge is far enough ahead of where I am that it almost feels detrimental; I beat myself up for not doing things as best as I know I theoretically should, and sometimes these expectations I hold of myself are unreasonable. I wish I could feel more proud of myself than frustrated right now.

Good

  • Did my first ever approach in this type of situation.

Bad

  • Ejected prematurely even though the girl seemed receptive. Should have followed up with the aforementioned way of stating intent.

Trouble Pulling The Trigger For The Number

Sadly, that is how I have to begin this blog. On Friday, I went out with my primary wing and a new guy we started rolling with. The venue was great. Classy, hip, and well-heeled crowd.  I will definitely be going there again.

The first set I approached involved some dumb question opener. They weren’t hot, but we ended up talking to them anyways. The one I was talking to was kind of cute, and was qualifying herself, so I used a yes-ladder and got the number. We exchanged a couple little joke texts right there. Solid number, did some texting later in the night. Will try to set something up this week. Cool.

Next set was a set that looked intimidating from afar, but up close they weren’t as hot and bitchy as they initially appeared. It hooked well, my guy came in to wing me. Girl I spoke to was into it. It was fairly obvious. At one point, the convo expanded to the four of us and I started to address the friend, but the girl I was talking to interrupted to get my attention back on her. I didn’t escalate beyond some stupid perfunctory touch, and this eventually led her to go foul and yank her friend away. Late, once it was clear she was going to end it, I thought I needed to ask for the number, but it was too late. She tried to avoid me the rest of the night in goofy fashion.

I didn’t go for it because I still kind of held this idea in my head that they were the bitchy hot girls I thought they were when I first saw them. But the girl wasn’t quite that hot, and was giving me clear IOIs. I felt like an idiot immediately and have been kicking myself for it all weekend.

Then the following happened.

I showed up to tonight’s venue before the dudes I am meeting. The first set I approach, I deployed one of these types of openers. Set hooks immediately. She’s asking questions, and thereby exhibiting some degree of interest. Good conversation–nothing spectacular, but decent. We had stuff in common, she seemed to think I was fairly interesting. Her friend arrives, I let them chat a bit, ask her a perfunctory question, and then resume convo with the original target. Two other friends come over, a guy and a girl. I greet them, they’re friendly enough.

At this point, in my head, I realize it’d be easier, instead of dealing with a set that just turned from 1-on-1 to a mixed set, to say some combo of “gonna find my friends” and “let’s grab a drink sometime/exchange numbers” (in deep retrospect, the ideal thing would have been something like “hey, I’m going to go find my friends–but you turned out to be more interesting than I expected, so let’s get a drink sometime”). But I didn’t act on that thought, and she started chatting a bit with her friends, who were going to go have a smoke. I thought she’d stay, to be honest, but she went with the friends, and there were some parts of their dialogue that made it seem like the dynamic was that her friends expected her to stay and talk to me and she wanted them to take her with them. Perhaps, however, that was because of my hesitance.

Either way, I should have acted on my good instincts to ask for the number and bounce. Given that I had been down on myself Saturday and Sunday for not going for the second number on Friday, I should have been primed for it, and just asking would have felt like a relief (I choose that word quite deliberately).

I think I didn’t for two primary reasons:

  1. It did occur to me that I’d be doing it in front of all her friends, and that gave me some degree of pause.
  2. I was both tired and a little high, and this made me sluggish and kind of lazy. I just kind of stared off a bit while I realized I should interject, get the number, and bounce. What I should have done was acted as soon as I recognized the thought.

I am quite pissed at myself. Not only did I make the same mistake in the same weekend, but I liked the second girl better than the first. It could have been a picturesque pickup too.

What I will do from here:

  1. First of all, I am asking at least 5 girls for their number this week.
  2. Secondly, I am going to game sober all 3 nights I go out this week.

The second point makes it sound like I normally rely on weed or alcohol as a crutch. I wouldn’t say I do; I go out stone sober about a third of the time, and when I do drink, I typically just have one. As far as weed goes, I normally get a little weed buzz that wears off after 20-30 minutes anyways–today I felt genuinely high. The effect must have been exacerbated by my tiredness and the fact that I am cutting. This incident shows me the importance of being on top of my shit and taking advantage of my brains (my primary asset in this endeavor).

W/r/t point 1: I don’t care what the interactions are like or whether I think I’ll get it or not. That is what I am doing. I’m not going out to practice anything else. I am going out to start conversations which I drive towards attempted number closes for the sake of attempted number closes. I expect to hear “no”. Fuck, I invite “no” so that I can familiarize myself with it.  I want to sit with it by the fire and make it my dear friend.

I should probably give myself more credit on a couple points. I set 2 or 3 nightly goals, and on Friday I hit all my goals. They were to remember to maintain good tonality, volume, and eye contact; to talk past the opener for at least 30 seconds or until I get definitively rejected; and to use the first two steps of the verbal stack I am compiling on every set. Okay, I didn’t really do goals 2 and 3 on the first set, for which I was initially obnoxiously non-nonchalant, but that was just supposed to be a Sacrifice of the Lamb anyways, and I did it on every subsequent set. Anyways, since I have been so focused on getting solid at opening and hooking, I should be happy–I didn’t expect the second two set on Friday to hook, but it did. I went out just trying to open and hook like Todd; being pissed about being unassertive and not going for the number is kind of like moving the goalposts on myself.

The right thing to do is to cut myself a break and be happy that I did well on the thing I tried to practice. It’s pretty well-established that with learning anything–but especially something as emotionally fraught as this–one is best served from a psychological perspective by stringing together small wins. That’s what builds the receptiveness and motivation that ultimately buttress success.

I don’t know if I can give myself as much of a break for this last set, the one which prompted this post. I mean, I really should have been more on top of my shit. I will say, I guess, that I deserve credit for even showing up. I was tired, and I had to rush over to the place, since I had been visiting my parents. I thought about bailing, but I wanted to push myself.

I don’t have a lot of patience for my own mistakes. I hate myself for making mistakes. I make too fucking many of them, with just too much consistency. The name of this blog means “Patience & Process” in Urdu and Farsi (it could also be translated as “Patience & Action”, which would certainly be just as applicable). I named it such because I need to work on those things. Me falta them. So here’s a good opportunity to exercise patience with myself and with what it takes to learn this, and also to practice following a process to fix a sticking point.